Homecoming
by Charis77
Summary: Garrus returns to Palaven for the first time since the end of the war and must confront "the ruthless calculus of war."
1. Home

As Palaven loomed large, Garrus repeated traditional turian platitudes to himself: _The long fight is the good fight. Victory is found in the face of death. If one last turian is left standing at the end of a war, it's worth it._ More than one had remained standing, so the pull back from Palaven had to have been more than worth it, hadn't it?

A soft hand laid on top of his. He didn't turn to look. It wouldn't make this any easier. "I'm sorry," a feminine voice whispered. Looking didn't matter. It only took the tenderness of the voice of the woman he loved more than anyone to break his resolve.

Garrus let out a pent-up breath, trying to regain control. He regretted he'd chosen a seat by a window. He'd told himself it wouldn't be that bad—four years had passed since the end of the war and Palaven had been rebuilding. But the brutality of his last time in Palaven space assaulted him. He recalled taking a short break on Menae, forcing down a ration bar and unable to count the number of fires burning below on his home planet. He'd fought off the despair then for the sake of doing his duty—now he felt the sharp sting of loss as fresh as when he'd first left. Or maybe even more so. Four years ago when he'd taken off with Shepard he'd kept his thoughts honed on the mission, refusing to let emotions cloud his vision. Now...

"Results of ruthless calculus," he murmured.

His wife did not reply. She didn't need to. She knew what was going on inside him and she was letting him deal with it on his own. If his love for her had not been complete, it would have grown even more at this moment. She slid her fingers in between his talons, holding tightly to him. He squeezed her hand. As always, she was the support he needed when he needed it. But even Shepard's compassion couldn't wipe away the past.

Garrus continued to run his eye over his home planet. It still swirled with dust here and there, evidence of the Reapers' thoroughness. Green was almost non-existent. Huge swaths of forested areas had been desolated. As their transport drew closer and Palaven filled the window, his eyes slipped over to the right. The capital, Cipritine, should have been evident, a shining silver beacon of turian pride. There was nothing but a dark, gaping blank. Garrus' eye ran farther east, outside of Cipritine to its outskirts, Vakarian lands. They did not exist anymore, but memory would not be scrubbed. Images of his childhood flashed through his mind. He tightened his grip on Shepard's hand and braved turning to face her. Her eyes reflected intense sadness, for him and Palaven. She knew what it was like to lose your home. Earth had taken the worst of the war after batarian worlds and Palaven.

"You didn't do anything wrong," Shepard whispered.

Garrus coughed and pulled his hand out of her grasp. "I know," he said with more confidence than he felt. _Did_ he know? _You left to follow Shepard!_ It was his sister's voice that interrupted his thoughts. _I left to save Palaven!_ he'd argued back. _You left to join Shepard, Garrus, be honest!_ his sister had yelled back.

"Daddy."

Garrus blinked his eyes, drawn out of his reverie. A small turian hand reached out to him from Shepard's lap. He reached over and drew the tiny one into his arms. He held his two and a half year old up to the window. "This is the home of your ancestors, Tev," he told her. "This was... _is_ your daddy's home."

"Daddy. Look!" Tev waved and pointed. Garrus stared at her vibrant blue eyes, like his mother's. His mother who had died here right before the war. His mother who he had loved more than anyone else save the woman sitting next to him.

"Pretty!" Tev exclaimed. Garrus fervently wished he had the ability to see through his child's eyes, if only for a moment.

* * *

"Garrus!" a strong, solid flanging voice called out once they had landed and disembarked. Garrus recognized it immediately, his father, Cadmus Vakarian. It had been two years since he had seen his father in person, but little had changed. His father still looked large and impressive. Garrus had tried for most his life to live up to this turian's life and ideals; he had failed. He'd assumed that meant he'd lost his father's respect, but two years ago Cadmus had visited his family and told him for the first time that he'd loved him. Garrus hadn't been able to be so direct. He'd sent an e-mail instead letting his father know he felt the same. The grudges, anger and frustration of his memories of his father melted away then. Admiration and mutual respect had remained.

Garrus shared wrist grips with his father. "Dad."

Cadmus turned to Shepard and shook her hand. "Good to see you again."

"And you, sir," Shepard replied.

"Cadmus," his father reminded her.

"Cadmus," Shepard repeated, smiling.

"And you, little one!" Cadmus cried out.

Tev smiled broadly. "Grandpa! Grandpa. Grandpa." She held out her arms and Shepard passed the youngest Vakarian over.

"Glad she knows me," Cadmus commented.

"It helps that we talk so much over vid-comm," Shepard said.

"I see you managed to shield her."

Garrus nodded. "It was easy to shape and modify shields for her." Tev, although appearing turian, carried a hint of humanity. She had been created from the work of the late Mordin Solus in a process the salarian had termed interspecies genetic reproduction. The process was not a fifty-fifty combination, but used the base DNA of one parent and spliced in the DNA of the other where it would not cause instability. Tev had been the first of her kind. Garrus' DNA had been her base and Shepard only fit in where able. So although she had the hearty turian nature and structure, her hint of humanity affected her ability to withstand radiation. It was an unexpected side effect, but one they would rarely need to deal with.

Garrus had informed his father of Tev's particular issue before they set out for Palaven. Although the galaxy at large knew that Tev had been created through interspecies genetic reproduction, Shepard and Garrus had kept specifics out of the news. Already many hated them for letting the salarians create her in the first place, claiming it was evidence of Shepard's commitment to Cerberus ideals. Never mind that the head of Cerberus was dead and the organization defunct. Never mind that Shepard had sacrificed everything for the galaxy, including coming within a hair's breadth of giving up her life. There were those who would never make peace with Shepard and Tev was their excuse. Garrus felt a surge of fury every time he thought of these things. His wife had given so much and his daughter was a testament to the resilience of the galaxy. She had been exactly what he and Shepard needed—a welcome diversion from the horrors of war and a reminder of the life the galaxy could create if it came together.

"I should have assumed you had the skill," Cadmus commented, then turned to Shepard as Tev batted a hand on his right mandible. "I assume you know he studied to be a ship's weapons engineer most of his childhood?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow and looked to her husband. "So...that explains all the obsession with calibrating."

Garrus smiled shortly. He'd hidden himself away on the Normandy most of the time. Employing his intricate knowledge had always helped him to think better.

"Well," Cadmus said, "I'll show you around Nascor as we head to Bresien's."

"Fine," Garrus assented, but his stomach churned. From above, Palaven had been distressing. Below could only be worse.

* * *

Although images of the rebuilding of Palaven had appeared through media sources, Garrus hadn't paid too much attention to them. He had his hands full managing security for the colony on Concilia, he told himself. Now he was forced to confront Palaven under construction and Nascor, although impressive, could not hold a candle to the former glory of a bustling Palaven city. Many turians had returned after the war, vowing to rebuild. They had clearly put every ounce of their strength and will into the task. Still, the buildings were stark and utilitarian, lacking turian artistry. There was no evidence of molded silver, only lesser elements of brick and stone. Cadmus explained the focus had been quick and sturdy structures. Someday artisans would be encouraged on Palaven, but right now every hand was still utilized for survival.

As they walked, they seemed to stop every few meters when a turian would drop everything and rush up to them. At first Garrus had thought to defend his wife. Aside from Tev's creation, some in the galaxy still resented Shepard for choosing to destroy the Reapers. They grumbled that Shepard did not make the Reapers the galaxy's slaves, use the tool that had fallen in their laps. But those who approached them only wanted to thank and laud Shepard and Garrus for their roles in stopping the war. Right after the war ended, Garrus had employed silent cynicism as he put up with his celebrity. The galaxy would have been better prepared if those ingratiating themselves to him and his wife had listened in the first place. He'd stuffed down his fierce anger at the continual reports of destruction. Shepard had needed him. She had broken herself almost to death for those who treated her visions and warnings as fodder for ridicule. Garrus had concentrated on her to the exclusion of all else; if he didn't, he would have had to face the widespread devastation the war had left and he might have done something he regretted, like screaming at a reporter about the ignorance of an entire galaxy.

Now, though, as turians shared wrist grips and gushed thankfulness, no anger rose in Garrus' soul, but the praise made him uncomfortable regardless. They saw him as part of their salvation, the turian who had spearheaded a task force that had given them a fighting chance—or so they thought. The task force had actually been a small concession to the constant haranguing of Arsenius Fedorian, the current Primarch at the time and a close friend of his father. It hadn't been nearly enough, but it had bought them a little time initially. Then the real war had hit, Reapers decimating his moon and his world. Garrus stared into the eyes of the latest turian, a female holding a child and explaining how she had been pregnant during the war and survived when her husband gave his life for her after the turian fleets pulled back. _Pulled back because I advised Victus to do so._ Garrus was grateful when his father tactfully dismissed the female and they moved on.

"Here we are," Cadmus said. The small dwelling they entered was a square structure built soon after the war to house those responsible for raising this new city up from the ashes. "Solana will be home soon. She's at the school." Solana had dedicated herself to the rebuilding of Palaven's education system. "Bresien will return tomorrow. He's surveying." Cadmus traversed the dwelling. "You'll stay here." He indicated a small room with a bed and a window shaded in darkness for the sake of Garrus' wife and child. "I could have asked permission for you to stay above with me on the Laurel." His father's current ship, housing and offices for those leading the rebuilding of Palaven.

Garrus didn't answer, simply entered the room, setting down his baggage and sitting on the bed.

"This is fine," Shepard said when Garrus didn't respond.

"I'm sorry your mother was unable to come," Cadmus said.

Garrus looked up quizzically. "You keep up with Hannah?"

"We manage a vid call here and there," Cadmus muttered with a hint of embarrassment.

Garrus worked to keep the surprise off his face. Two years ago when Cadmus and Solana had visited Concilia, Hannah had been present as well. His father and Shepard's mother hadn't gotten off to a good start, but by the end of the trip they had mended initial conflicts. Apparently they had also laid the foundation for a continued friendship.

"She would have come if she could," Shepard said.

"I know," Cadmus replied. "She's as busy as I am." Shepard's mother had been recently promoted to admiral of her ship, the Lhotse. "Still, it would have been good to see her again."

Shepard smiled subtly at Garrus. He tried to smile back, but failed. Shepard's smile faded.

"Grandpa play. Play with me."

Cadmus chucked and looked at Tev still in his arms. She had grasped one mandible and tugged on it. "You go ahead and get settled," Cadmus said. "I'll take this one," he raised an insistent Tev up in his arms, "out to the living area."

"Thank you," Shepard said.

Cadmus disappeared. There was no automatic door to shut. It was a manual and Shepard pulled it closed. Garrus sat stock still, eyes on the darkened window, lost in reverie until he felt a warm presence next to him and then a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey."

He shook his head and turned to Shepard. "Sorry, I'm...distracted. I should unpack and..." He started to stand, but Shepard's grip strengthened on his shoulder.

"Stay," she commanded. He raised his brow plates. He hadn't heard her "commander voice" directed towards him in a while. She sighed and let go of his shoulder, putting a hand to his left mandible, caressing it.

Garrus breathed out slowly. "I guess I'm too obvious."

"There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling," she spoke softly.

Garrus turned away from her, eyes back on the window. Shepard might be right, but he'd pushed Palaven out of his mind for so long and being here was like taking a punch to the gut. "It's all wrong," he breathed out. He closed his eyes momentarily. "I'm home...but not home. It's familiar...but nothing is right."

"It will never be the same," Shepard said, her tone filled with empathy. She knew because Earth would never be the same either. "You saved your planet, Garrus. These turians wouldn't be here to rebuild if you hadn't done what you did in the war."

Garrus bowed his head thoughtfully. "Perhaps," he said.

Shepard took his hand. "Not perhaps. It's a certainty." She laid her head on his shoulder. "Remember we're here for a happy occasion. There's good happening here."

Garrus raised his head. _Stop pitying yourself_ , he told himself. He wouldn't let himself ruin his sister's wedding. He'd hurt her enough already.

* * *

Solana arrived home within an hour's time. When she strode through the door, Garrus beheld something he hadn't seen in a long time: a broad smile and a relaxed demeanor. Solana was happy. He could hardly remember the last time he'd seen her so content. It must have been some time before Arrian, her first husband, had died ten years go. _She deserves it_. After all she had been put through, she deserved something good out of all the bad.

"Garrus!" Solana called out. She rushed up to him and shared double wrist grips.

"Sol," he greeted, bobbing his head. He'd last seen her when she had visited Concilia along with his father. She had been cold, stony and angry. They'd gotten in a physical fight and it was then Garrus realized how much she'd been hurt and how much she blamed him for it. They'd managed to make up and things had gotten easier between them, not perfect, but better than they had been in a long time.

"Commander," Solana greeted Shepard, nodding her head to his wife.

"It's good to see you again," Shepard said genuinely.

Solana smiled slowly, perhaps remembering how out of control events on Concilia had gotten the last time the Vakarian family was all together. "I see my niece is doing well."

Tev was crawling underneath her grandfather's legs as he sat on the floor, yanking on his heel spurs. "Stronger," he commented with a grunt.

"Have you eaten?" Solana asked.

"No," Shepard replied.

Solana headed to the kitchenette off the living area. "We don't get much here. It's mainly essentials, but we make do. Dad provided some non-dextro."

Garrus tried not to think about Concilia and the riches of its imports compared to the rest of the rebuilding galaxy.

Solana didn't exaggerate. She fed them simple dishes, not what Garrus had been used to eating at home before the war. His mother had been a skilled cook. He pushed away thoughts of the meals she'd created when his stomach began to growl. As they ate, Solana took up most of the conversation, detailing her work, the obstacles facing reconstructing an education system and humorous stories about her pupils. Garrus found himself staring at his sister most of the evening. She'd changed so much. She was energized by her work, eyes alight with excitement at the challenges. Here on a planet that screamed its pain she had found herself.

After dinner, Shepard settled onto the floor with Cadmus, tossing a ball back and forth and laughing as Tev ran after it, enjoying the game of keep away.

"Garrus," Cadmus said as he rolled the ball to Tev's side, "why don't you and your sister take a walk. It's a good night for it."

Garrus eyed Solana and they shared a small smile. They may have made amends, but their father still pushed them towards each other, making sure they didn't forget family loyalty.

"Good idea, dad," Garrus said, standing and following his sister outside.

"How about the outskirts?" Solana asked.

"Fine," Garrus said.

They walked in silence for a time. Garrus was still trying to figure out how to navigate a sister who didn't glare at him or yell every time they talked. They'd spent so much time at each other's throats, it had become habitual.

"So...a soldier," Garrus finally ventured. "I thought you declared soldiers completely unfit for a marriage partner." When Solana kept staring straight ahead, Garrus thought he'd erred. "I was joking, Sol," he amended quickly.

"I know," she answered, but still didn't look at him. "It's just...I do feel a bit hypocritical."

Garrus stopped walking. He reached out to Solana's shoulder, halting her progress. When she turned to him, he took both her shoulders in his hands. "I was more than pleased when you told me about Bresien. He was a good friend to me and he'll be a good husband to you. You have nothing to feel guilty about."

Solana smiled slowly. "But I did champion my opinions, didn't I? So much changed after the war. Bresien..." She broke off, turning to walk again. Garrus paced beside her.

"What about Breisen?" Bresien had been Garrus' childhood friend, the son of his father's own longtime friend, Arsenius Fedorian, prior Primarch of Palaven until the Reapers' took his life.

Solana laughed shortly. "It's just so...strange to speak so openly with you about things like this."

Garrus laughed as well. "I suppose so." She'd opened up to him on the visit to Concilia, but communication since then had been mainly factual.

"Bresien and I were good for each other," Solana explained. "We both lost so much. When he offered to house me here, we didn't think...Well, we didn't mean anything by it, not then." Solana sighed. "I guess I always thought soldiers were too single focused, no intellect. But Bresien changed my mind."

"And your heart," Garrus added quietly. He understood Sol. He wouldn't in a million years have thought he'd fall in love with a human, but then Shepard had come along and challenged all he'd ever been told about the failings of humanity. He'd respected her at first, then she'd opened the door for more and he'd been surprised at himself for being willing to step through it.

"Yes," Solana whispered. She stopped walking. They'd passed the border of the city to a signpost on the road declaring any further passage illegal. Solana rested a hand on the sign and then looked up at the stars. "You remember night camping with mom?"

Garrus looked up. "Yes." He felt an ache in his chest. The Reapers may have decimated his planet, but they hadn't changed its sky. He could still identify all the constellations: the Titan Lophus, the Fleeing Hunter, the Broken Fish. "I would never have learned mythology if she hadn't showed us the stars and told us the stories." Garrus had never really been one for reading, but his mother, in her ingenuity, had found a way to teach him turian lore.

"Sometimes I think she's here," Solana spoke lowly.

"If mythology contains a hint of truth, she could be." Turian spirits were said to unite together to inspire their descendents.

"I wish she could have seen..." Solana's voice broke. Garrus looked over to see her shading her eyes with a hand.

Garrus' mandibles flared in and out. His mother had wanted her children at peace, his reconciliation with his father. She would have been overjoyed with the prospect of Solana's second marriage. But she had known none of this, the future stolen from her by the disease that had ravaged her and claimed her life.

"Yeah," Garrus muttered. He cleared his throat. "We should probably get back."

Solana nodded and they walked back to Bresien's side by side.

* * *

Garrus stared into the dark. He'd been trying to sleep for the past two hours, but rest eluded him. Memory had come heavily upon him, images of Palaven before the war, his childhood, the descent of the Reapers and his stint on Menae. But the image that haunted him most was his mother's pyre. He kept seeing his hand holding a torch and setting the bier alight, watching as his mother's body turned to ashes. He'd gotten the call that the Reapers had arrived in turian space the night of the funeral. The Reapers hadn't even given him the decency of mourning properly. He felt his hands clench, his jaw firm. All the anger he'd pushed away at the end of the war so he could help heal his broken wife came bubbling to the surface.

"Garrus?"

Garrus jumped slightly at Shepard's voice. "Mm?"

"You aren't sleeping."

"You're perceptive," he mumbled.

Shepard grunted. She knew he answered cockily often to cover anything he didn't want to talk about. "And you're a stiff as a poker," Shepard continued, wrapping a hand around his right arm.

Garrus forced his body to relax.

"Tell me."

"I'm fine," he said, rolling away from her.

"Right." There was silence for a time, then... "You remember how you made me talk about stuff after the war?"

Garrus' mandibles pulled tightly against his jaw. He remembered. Shepard had healed physically, but the mental healing was harder. She'd tried to forget a lot of it and he'd made her tell him all kinds of stuff, just to get it out where she could face it head on. _Maybe that wasn't a nice thing to do_ , he thought now.

"It helped."

Garrus drew in a long breath. Besides during Shepard's healing process, they'd talked about the war maybe a handful of times over the last four years. Well, talked about it in any personal way. They often traded light stories about their time on the Normandy, laughing at the antics of certain personnel or calling to mind the heroics of friends gone ahead of them. But they avoided any deep talk. Doing so brought up too much hurt.

Shepard sighed and he heard the sheets rustle as she turned over facing away from him. "Whenever you're ready, Vakarian."

Garrus couldn't help but smile a little. She didn't call him by his surname much. Usually it meant she wanted him to do something he wouldn't, a hint that she had been his superior at one time.

Garrus' smile collapsed. After he and Solana had made up, she shared some of what happened to her and his father during the war on Palaven. He'd sensed she hadn't wanted to say much, but he'd asked and pushed to get the facts out of her. "You know my father and sister were on Palaven during the war."

Another rustle of sheets. Shepard had turned back over. Garrus stayed put, facing away. "Yes. Your sister was wounded. They managed to get on one of the last transports off world."

"They were in a legion. Dad was called up to fight and Solana maintained our home as a base for the Lifebringer Brigade. Turian Red Cross."

Garrus paused for a time and Shepard's voice prompted, "I'm listening."

"Dad figured out the Reapers were learning the military encryption codes through indoctrination and listening in on communication. They had to leave our home. They knew husks, marauders, would show up." Garrus paused again, but Shepard said nothing. "I grew up there," he said quietly. "I guess I didn't think it would be around after the war, but..." Garrus chuckled humorlessly. "Pretty naive to hold onto hope in a war like that, huh?"

Garrus felt a presence as Shepard pressed into his back. "You know my answer to that."

Garrus nodded to himself. Shepard never gave up hope, not even at the end.

"What happened?"

"They set a trap for the Reapers, lured them to Vakarian lands and homes. Then they blew everything sky high." Shepard drew in an audible breath. "Dad gave the order to fire himself." He would, Garrus knew. He was a turian of duty down to destroying his own homes.

"Oh, Garrus," Shepard whispered.

Garrus still didn't turn over. He didn't want to see her face, confront the empathy and sorrow. You couldn't change the past. There was nothing to be gained by dwelling in it.

He began to replace his mental blocks, turian platitudes coming back to him again: _The past is a tool of knowledge. You wield it; it does not wield you._ His eyes fell on the portable bed they'd brought along for their daughter. Tev lay sprawled out on it, her mouth open, breathing heavily. How he loved her! When he'd become a father, he'd truly understood the depth of his mother's love.

His mother...All his memories of her were tied to Palaven and the home that had been blown to smithereens. In spite of the blocks he was attempting to fence around his mind, an intense desire flared up within him to go back, to walk the home of his childhood just one more time. He didn't care that it didn't exist anymore. He wanted to stand on the one spot on Palaven that mattered most.


	2. Hope

"No one can go near Cipritine." Cadmus had his arms folded over his chest, giving his best "I'm your father and you _will_ obey" look.

"I don't want to go into Cipritine," Garrus argued, throwing a hand in the air in frustration.

"You want to go close enough."

"Garrus," Solana's voice interrupted, not harshly, but firmly. "You really can't go there. They won't let anyone over there. The radiation is lethal."

"I have shields," Garrus came back.

"That's not enough," Cadmus said.

Garrus glared at him. "What? You don't want me to see it? Don't think I can handle what happened? I was up on Menae! I know what happened down here. And you should have seen Earth. It's almost as bad!"

Garrus felt a strong hand on his upper arm, a warning for him to back off from his wife.

He took a breath and pull out of her grip, pacing to the other end of the living area.

"Daddy?" Tev looked up at him, frozen where she'd been playing with a model ship Solana had given her. Her eyes were big and round. "Daddy mad?"

Garrus felt his heart stutter. He reached down and picked her up. "It's okay," he said quietly. "Daddy's alright."

Cadmus walked across to him. "Look, son, I understand. More than you think I do. But it _is_ dangerous and they haven't let anyone past the borders." Garrus opened his mouth to protest, but his father held up a hand. "I can ask some people. Maybe I can manage to get you out there."

"Out where?" Everyone turned to the door. A dark turian with white tattoos stood in the doorway.

"Bresien!" Solana called out. She moved over to him and greeted him with a quick kiss.

"Welcome back, Administrator," Cadmus greeted.

Bresien nodded and looked to Garrus. "Garrus! It's been way too long."

Garrus managed a smile as he shifted to hold Tev with one arm. "Let's see. Over ten years? You've changed." He shared a wrist grip with his childhood friend.

"A lot's happened since then," Bresien said, smiling, his eyes flicking briefly to Solana.

"Yeah."

"So where are you trying to go, then?"

Garrus looked uncomfortably to his father. "I just wanted to go near Cipritine."

Understanding flooded Bresien's gaze. "More specifically, home."

Garrus only nodded.

Bresien turned away, dropping a bag to the floor. He paused by Solana. "I'm hungry." He looked back at Garrus. "You want something?"

Garrus went to shake his head, but a poke in his lower back got his attention and he heard his wife speaking. "Yes. He does."

Garrus ground his jaw, glancing at the faces staring at him. He'd made everything uncomfortable by starting an argument right off their second day here. Bresien looked at him expectantly. Garrus managed a short, "Sure." He handed Tev to Shepard and followed Bresien to the kitchen unit. Out of his peripheral vision he saw his dad exit to the small hallway as Shepard and Solana made small talk.

Bresien pulled down a few food packs from a shelf.

"Can you lecture as well as dad?"

Bresien broke open a pack and turned with a wry smile. "I'm not your dad, Garrus."

"But you're military. Following orders and all that."

Bresien snorted. "I didn't start out that way."

"A cop like dad. Even worse."

Bresien chuckled at the poor attempt at humor. He stuffed a few pieces of dried meat into his mouth, chewed and eyed Garrus. "I respect your dad."

"So do I."

"You know he saved my life, right?"

Garrus' brow plates flexed. His father hadn't said anything and Solana had either kept mum or hadn't known. He knew Bresien and his father had been assigned to the same legion during the war, that was about it.

"He left his unit in a defensible position and backtracked to save me during the Battle of Cipritine. I was the only one alive in my unit."

Garrus tilted his head. "He...went back?" It would have been considered a bad move to leave one's unit to save one soldier.

"He's not as bound by the rules as you think he is."

Garrus' eyes flicked to the hallway. He could hear a low rumble, his father talking to someone. _Probably trying to get me permission_.

"You don't want to go there." Garrus looked back to Bresien. His gaze had become deadly serious. "You don't want to see it."

Garrus laughed shortly. "I've seen every horror you can think of."

"But not this. Not everything you personally loved destroyed."

Garrus scowled at Bresien.

"I was there. I know what it looks like." Bresien walked over to Garrus and patted him on the shoulder. "Don't do it to yourself."

Bresien wandered back into the living area. "So...the great Commander Shepard." Bresien shared a handshake with his wife. Garrus knew Bresien had faced his own share of loss. He'd lost his father and all but two siblings in the war. He'd watched Palaven fall at every stage along the way. Still, he hadn't seen what Garrus had. The wreckage of a house was nothing compared to the terrors Garrus had witnessed.

"Sorry, Garrus," Cadmus spoke, entering the kitchenette. "They aren't going to lift the ban even for _you_."

Garrus nodded submissively to Cadmus. At least his father had tried. He followed Cadmus back into the living area. When the moment was right, he interjected a question directed at Bresien. "So, they have the funds to give you a speeder or do you walk everywhere to inspect?"

"They managed to put something together. It's not great, but it gets me around. Old Vespera design. She's outside if you want to see her."

Garrus laughed. "If she's a Vespera she isn't worth a look." The conversation continued, but Garrus went silent. They could deny permission all they wanted, but they weren't going to keep him from his own home.

* * *

Garrus waited until the afternoon. Solana and Cadmus had left to finish final preparations for the wedding which would be held in a small civic center. Bresien had left earlier, meeting with the city council to report his findings in the field. Shepard retreated to the guest bedroom to put Tev down for a nap. Garrus slipped out as quietly as he could.

Bresien's speeder had been left locked outside the small dwelling. He'd decided to walk to his meeting. Garrus held his omni-tool up to the speeder's locking mechanism. Being part of Shepard's crew had had its distinct advantages. There was virtually no lock that could keep him out of anything and a Vespera was hardly a match. He heard a telltale click. He slid into the front seat. It was certainly an oldie, but he'd driven one before when a teenager. He went to engage the ignition when a voice startled him.

" _What_ are you doing?"

Garrus' hand jerked off the switch and his head snapped to the voice. Shepard stood next to the speeder, hands on her hips, eyebrows furrowed.

"Uh..." Garrus tried to conjure some excuse but he couldn't think of anything. He'd been caught red handed as humans said.

"Save it," Shepard said. She moved her hands from her hips and crossed them over her chest.

"Oh come on, Shepard!" Garrus exclaimed, slapping his hands on his legs in frustration. "How many rules did you break as a Spectre? How many times did we disobey orders?"

The corners of Shepard's mouth turned up slightly. "I don't think I want to count."

"So what's one more? I've come all this way. The Hierarchy isn't going to keep me from my own lands."

Shepard uncrossed her arms. "Garrus, who went with you to the top of the Presidium?"

Garrus cocked his head, remembering when he'd taken Shepard on a ride for a shooting match. He'd won, he recalled smugly.

"You think I would stop you from going home?"

Garrus rubbed the back of his neck, feeling chagrined. He should have known. "Then why are you out here?"

"Because I want to go with you."

Garrus shook his head. "You're staying here. Your shields aren't nearly sufficient enough."

"Like yours are any better."

"I'm turian. We last longer."

" _I'm coming_ , Vakarian."

"What about Tev?"

"That's why I'm out here. Wait. I'll go with you. When Solana comes back, we'll make up something and leave Tev with her."

"This is my chance," Garrus insisted, "I can't wait." He pressed the ignition. "Sorry." He only made it forward a few feet when he had to engage emergency brakes. The speeder jerked forwards and backwards and Garrus groaned as the safety harness bit into his neck. He'd had only a moment to realize someone was standing in the middle of the road. "What is your prob..." he started to yell, then cut off. It was Bresien.

"So, stealing my speeder. Good one. Should I call the cops now?"

Garrus slammed a hand on the dash. The speeder emitted a shrill wail. Garrus put a hand to his ear, remembering the ridiculously annoying safety warning he'd hated as a teen.

Bresien walked over to the driver's side at the same time as Shepard. Both Shepard and Garrus spoke over each other.

"Garrus was just going to town for me, he..."

"Look, I wasn't stealing it, I..."

Bresien shut them both down. "Shields hardly last out there. You'll need these." He shoved a carrying case into Garrus' hands and turned back to the dwelling. "I'll watch your daughter. Do what you have to."

Garrus and Shepard shared surprised glances. Garrus opened the case. Two enviro-suits met his eyes. He looked back to his wife. "Get in."

* * *

Signs of destruction were unavoidable as Garrus navigated the speeder towards Vakarian lands; he ignored them except when directing the speeder around obstacles. He concentrated on following coordinates he'd input into the speeder. Still, even if he hadn't had the coordinates, he could have found where his home used to be.

"See the mountains to the east?" he asked Shepard .

"The purple ones?" Her voice sounded through the comm in his ear, suited up and helmeted as they were.

"Inculta Mountains. Spent a lot of time trekking through them. Best way to prepare for basic." They'd been strafed by Reaper fire, dark ugly gashes in their sides, but for the most part they looked the same. How many times had he stood on the back porch and stared out at them? It was simple to navigate with the mountains as his map.

"We're close," Shepard commented, her helmet angled towards the coordinates on the dash.

"We're actually already on the estate lands."

"Estate? You told me your dad came from an affluent family, but I never imagined _you_ growing up on an _estate_."

"It's not like Earth," Garrus defended. "Turians aren't gentle, especially the upper echelon. They have a name to maintain. My grandfather was military. He didn't give his kids any slack. My dad followed in his footsteps." Garrus had felt suffocated by the Vakarian name more than once growing up. Whether here or on the Citadel, everyone knew his dad, the rules by the book, gets things done, perfect turian. They'd expected his son to be cut out of the same cloth. _Mom, though...she was entirely different...Was._

Garrus watched the coordinates tick by. He should be seeing his home by now. He looked ahead. A pile of dusty debris signaled their arrival. He aimed for the largest part of the destruction and cut the speeder's engine.

Garrus exited the speeder, as did Shepard. He glanced in all directions. He looked to the mountains. This _was_ right. His home had been here once. He approached the debris field. Shepard followed behind him.

Garrus scrutinized the rubble. He hadn't been here much after he started working on the Citadel. He'd gone home on leave a few times, and then once Saren had shown up and he'd joined Shepard's mission, his life had been one of constant movement and turmoil. He hadn't even made it home when his mother was near death. His mandibles dug into his jaw. Solana had sent a message then, imploring him to be here. He'd tried to explain the necessity of his absence but she didn't understand, not then.

Garrus walked the edge of the wreckage, then knelt down, shifting a few pieces to peer underneath. Nothing was recognizable. Much of it had rusted and gummed over with crusty dust. Garrus had hoped beyond hope that maybe he would find something, some piece of family history, but the bombs had done the work they were meant to do. The turian military was efficient and thorough.

Garrus heard a rustle next to him, Shepard. He looked up at her. He couldn't see her gaze through her helmet, but he could guess at her expression. He looked back to the debris. "I loved and hated this place," he said quietly. "Dad and Solana made it hard to come home, but mom drew me back from time to time...I told her about us."

"You did?"

"When you were going back to earth _alone_ ," he'd argued with her about that at the time, "to face justice for the Bahak System. I went to Sur'Kesh. She was there being treated. I couldn't tell dad or Solana about you, but mom, I knew she'd understand...She did."

"I'm glad she knew before..."

"Yeah. I told her I thought I might never see you again. She told me not to give up, that if I really loved you, it would work out."

"It did."

Garrus drew in a long breath. It had. But he'd had to leave his mother again, then, to hound the turian government about the coming attack. And while he'd dedicated himself to the Reaper threat his mother had slipped away and passed on from the living world.

A memory came back to Garrus, one he hadn't thought of in decades. He laughed shortly.

"What?" Shepard questioned.

"I ran away from here once. Had an argument with dad over vid-comm." His father had rarely been home and it seemed every call was nothing but a lecture. He didn't remember now what they'd argued over, but he remembered deciding he wasn't going to be a Vakarian anymore. "I packed a bag with food, took my guns and headed into the mountains. I figured I could live there on my own."

"How long did you last?"

Garrus flapped his mandibles as far as he could in his helmet. "A couple days. It would have been longer, but mom found me." He remembered when he saw her coming over a rise. He'd stood as tall as possible with his chest puffed out, ready to argue with her, but inside relieved she'd come. It meant someone actually cared what happened to him. He didn't think his father cared one bit. He'd been wrong, but he hadn't thought so at the time. "She didn't say anything, just marched up to me, grabbed my hand and pulled me back with her. I wasn't going to fight her, so I went home. She sat me down, explained why dad had to be away so much and why he said the things he did. She told me that she couldn't live without me. So I decided to stay home."

 _But she did live without me. And she died without me._ Garrus clenched his hands. _You left to join Shepard, Garrus, be honest!_ Solana's words came back to haunt him again. She'd said them in anger, but they were her true thoughts. To her way of thinking, every time Garrus had a choice he'd chosen a human Spectre over his family. But that wasn't it at all. Shepard had been an added bonus. He'd been part of her missions because they tackled the threat to the galaxy and the people he loved.

A bonus? Okay, Shepard had been more than that, at least after she came back from the dead. And yes, when he saw her on Menae, he'd felt an urge to hold her again, lay next to her. But he'd left Menae because Shepard's goal was to get all the races to work together and having seen what the Reapers were doing to the turians alone, Garrus knew it would take the whole galaxy to give anyone, including Palaven, a fighting chance. He'd gone to support her mission, not just because he loved her.

But then on the Normandy, the new Primarch, Adrien Victus, had relied on _him_ for advice about the turian fight against the Reapers as he'd been named an expert. As if his limited knowledge was worth much. Victus had finally asked him if the military should keep at Palaven or pull back to wait on the Crucible. Logically, it made the most sense to pull back, but Garrus had known what that meant—he was sentencing thousands, millions, of turians to death.

Garrus fiddled with a piece of debris. He turned to look in the direction of what used to be Palaven's capital city, Cipritine. He'd been able to see it from home, shining in the sun, a bright and proud reminder of turian greatness. Now all he saw was a hazy view accented with harsh sunlight. _I'm responsible for this._ Oh, he knew he'd made the right decision, but it didn't change facts. Turians had died on his word.

Garrus dropped the debris and placed his gloved palms on the ground. His chest had constricted too tightly and he felt he couldn't breathe.

"Garrus?" his wife's concerned voice called to him.

"Too many choices," he managed to mutter by way of explanation. "Too many consequences." He'd thought he'd made his peace with his decisions. Shepard had said once that you couldn't dwell in the what-ifs, that you couldn't spend your life chained to your past. But he'd never faced the results of his decisions head on. When he saw all this...Reapers or no, his choices had had a devastating impact.

The widowed turian female who had greeted him yesterday came back to mind, her enthusiasm at having survived "the pull back" Victus ordered—on his advice. He thought of his father and Solana, desperately making for the last transports leaving Palaven for good. They almost didn't make it. And he saw himself lighting a pyre, his mother turning to ash, the Reapers coming in system and him not having more than a second to grieve.

Garrus' arms locked, his hands pushing into the dirt. His mandibles ached as they pressed into his jaw. For the first time since he was a child, Garrus Vakarian came undone, losing the turian control that had been hammered into him. At first he groaned, then he screamed. His shoulders shook and he wept bitterly.

"Garrus!" he heard Shepard's anxious voice in his ear.

Garrus felt arms around his neck. He couldn't see through his tears, but just the feel of her strength surrounding him was enough. He turned to her, crushing her in an embrace, holding onto her for dear life. She held him and cradled him until he'd spent himself, all the emotion he'd stuffed away coming free.

When he'd calmed and managed to breathe again, he'd noticed Shepard unhooking her helmet. "Don't!"

Shepard grabbed the hand he threw up to stop her. "My shields will last at least a minute."

She let her helmet drop against her back. He saw the tear stains on her cheeks. She unsnapped his helmet, letting it fall back as hers. Then she took the sides of his head in her hands and kissed him more passionately than he ever remembered.

"You're a good turian," she spoke softly when she pulled back. "You're the pride of your race." She ran her hands down his mandibles. "And I should have pushed you as you pushed me."

Garrus took her hands in his. "You couldn't have pushed anyone." She'd been a broken woman after the war, not able to even stand on her own and tormented day and night by nightmares.

"I love you, Garrus Vakarian."

Garrus took her shoulders and drew her into him, this time initiating a far more gentle kiss. "Let's go," he said afterwards, pulling his helmet back on as she did the same. He'd seen enough.

* * *

When Garrus pulled the speeder up next to Bresien's home he perceived a familiar figure sitting on the ground outside it—his father.

 _Great_. He'd defied both his father and the Hierarchy. He was probably in for an earful no matter how much he'd managed to patch up his relationship with his father. By the time he and Shepard exited the speeder and pulled off their helmets, Cadmus had risen to his feet and stood staring at his son. Shepard marched right up to him.

"I know how much law matters to you and I respect that, but..."

"I want to talk to my son alone," Cadmus broke in.

"I understand, sir, but you must know..."

"Now."

"Go inside," Garrus said quietly. Shepard swung her head to him, eyes questioning. He nodded to her and she acquiesced, entering the dwelling.

Garrus stood with one hand against a wall, the other fidgeting with his helmet. "Go ahead and say what you need to."

Cadmus paused, continuing to stare. Garrus hated that more than a lecture. Cadmus rubbed a hand over his eyes and sighed. "I've never told you or your sister something."

Garrus narrowed his eyes warily. This wasn't what he'd expected.

"After your mother died, one of her friends sent me a letter she'd instructed I be sent when she joined the spirits."

Garrus flexed his mandibles in surprise.

"She said many things, some is personal. But she did write about you and Solana. About you, she said that you would do things I wouldn't understand."

 _That's certainly true,_ Garrus thought.

"And that I should trust you because you're a good turian and our experiences have been so different."

Garrus' heart skipped a beat hearing what his mother had thought of him. He managed to fight off new tears that threatened to show up again.

"You know I've had time to think. I told you some of that on Concilia."

When his father had visited, he'd told him for the first time he loved him and was proud of him. Garrus hadn't realized until then how much he'd needed to hear his father say those things.

"I've tried to know you better." Cadmus visibly relaxed and sighed. "I know you, Garrus. I knew what you would do. I didn't think Bresien would help you, but I suppose your friendship still commands loyalty." His father came closer and put a hand on his shoulder. "I know _why_ you had to see it."

As his dad pulled back, Garrus marveled. His dad had changed even more than he'd thought. It had never been like him to be okay with anything less than strict adherence to the law.

"Did you...find anything?" Cadmus asked with his face turned away.

"It was just rubble," Garrus reported.

Cadmus sucked in a breath and blew it out slowly. "I haven't been back since the day we destroyed them. I hated the Reapers more than anything then."

It was always strange hearing his father speak so openly about his feelings. But Garrus understood and he felt sorry for all his dad had been put through. "You did what you had to. It had to be done."

"Yes," Cadmus breathed turning back to his son. "But that didn't make it any easier." His father retreated back inside the dwelling. Garrus paused on the porch. He glanced back towards the outskirts of town. _I have to live with what I did to Palaven, just like dad has to live with what he did to our home._ War forced you to do things you'd never imagined doing. His choice now was to live with it or let it destroy him and letting it destroy him would give the Reapers power over him even though they were dead. _They're not going to win,_ Garrus determined. _They didn't win the war and they're not going to win me._

* * *

The day of the wedding dawned early. Shepard woke him up to help get Tev prepped as she dressed herself. They hadn't had an occasion to rise to in a long time and Shepard had gone out of her way to procure a fancy dress and even make-up, something Garrus rarely saw her in. He preferred her natural face, but he made sure to compliment the painted look since it seemed so important to her.

Once they were ready, they made their way to the civic center, the largest building in the city and the only one, Garrus noted, that had tried to recapture a hint of turian artistry. It sported recovered murals, mosaics and even a pair of silver columns. In the bustle of guests arriving, Cadmus found Garrus. "Your sister wants to see you."

Garrus handed Tev to his father as Cadmus explained to Shepard where to stand and what to do. He found the small side room his father had indicated. He knocked quietly on the manual door. "Come in." Garrus slid the door open and stepped in, shutting it behind him. Solana stood with her back to him, but turned as he entered. Garrus' breath stalled in his chest. He was remembering when he'd first seen his sister wearing a red, sleeveless wedding dress. She'd married Arrian Sophus, a turian that balanced her perfectly. And along with that memory came the one of him holding Arrian in his arms as he died having been shot on a C-Sec call.

"Sol...You're beautiful."

Solana smiled and walked up to her brother, taking his hands in hers. Garrus caught a scent that awakened all the pleasant memories of his mother. "Is that perul?" His mother had worn the perfume extracted from a lavender flower all his life.

Solana nodded. "Dad let me borrow some. I didn't know he'd saved mom's last bottle before our home was destroyed. So I guess mom's here in some way."

"Dad kept the bottle," Garrus mused. He'd thought his father would have been too focused on his duty in war to pocket an unnecessary bottle of perfume.

"He was devoted to mom. He loved her more than I think you and I have ever known. I hope Bresien and I can have even half the devotion they had."

Garrus squeezed her hands. "You will."

"And the devotion you and Shepard have."

Garrus flexed his brow plates.

"Garrus...I need to apologize. I wasn't kind to you. I even hated you for a long time. It wasn't right or fair. You did what you had to with Shepard...And Arrian...It wasn't your fault what happened. I don't blame you anymore."

Garrus' grip on her hands tightened. He rapidly blinked his eyes. "Sol...Being with Shepard showed me what love really was. You had every right to be angry about Arrian and to grieve as long as you needed to. I'm sorry I left Palaven, left you and dad. I hated leaving, I..." His voice broke and his head bowed.

Solana strengthened her grip. "I know. The war made us all do things we didn't want to. I just needed you to know you don't owe me anything. I wanted to make sure everything was clear between us before the wedding. I want to marry Bresien and stop looking back."

Garrus looked back up at her. They both had to stop looking back. "It's clear."

"Good. Now, will you escort me?"

Garrus dropped one of her hands and walked to the door, sliding it open.

* * *

Garrus held Tev so she could see the goings on. He had to keep whispering in her ear to be quiet as she babbled. His father was making his speech.

"The last four years have been hard. But Bresien and Solana are proof that there is hope. We will build not only our world, but our people. Marriages will occur. Children will be born. Bresien and Solana show today their commitment to each other and to turians everywhere. They have found light in the dark. May their marriage be an example to all of the unswerving devotion of turian hearts."

Shepard leaned into Garrus then. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and looked at Tev. Marriages and children. The Reapers had been able to destroy planets and ships and stations, but they hadn't been able to reach into all the hearts of the galaxy. The soul lived on even when its home died.

As Bresien and Solana held each other's hands and repeated traditional turian vows, Garrus considered his life. If he'd had to choose, he wouldn't have gone through most of it, but if he hadn't gone through it, Shepard wouldn't be by his side and Tev wouldn't exist. If the Reapers hadn't descended upon the galaxy, the genophage wouldn't have been cured. The quarians and geth wouldn't have made peace. The races would never have united, the Intragalactic Council an unheard of dream.

Bresien and Solana smiled at the end of the vows and leaned into each other, sharing a rather passionate kiss. Garrus looked down at his own wife. She was looking up at him, a grin on her face. He traced a white scar line that crossed her temple. The war would always be with them, but it did not have to own them. Garrus kissed the top of Shepard's head and turned to his daughter, bending his forehead to touch hers. His hope stood right next to him and rested in his very arms.

* * *

Author's Note: This story is the last chronologically in a series of ME fics I've written. Its direct predecessors would be "Family Reunion" and "Live and Learn." Several people asked me after "Live and Learn" what happened to Solana and I had long known that she would find a place of happiness after so much awful had happened to her. I like that I got to conclude her story positively and at the same time give Garrus a context to face his own demons.


End file.
